Tears

An excerpt from The Locket. 

The flames were still smoldering brightly when the early light of dawn broke. Morning had come far too soon and my eyes had yet to close. I was sitting on the pavement next to Johnny and as I looked at him, he appeared to be a different man entirely than the one I had always known. His face seemed older now, much older than it had only hours ago. I grabbed his weak hand softly, knowing that there was nothing to say. 

He looked at me then, his eyes full of the same kindness they had always held, but now they somehow seemed dead. The life behind his eyes, his joy, his wife, no longer lived inside. I squeezed his shaking hand and fought back the big tears that rested on the brim of my eyelids. My eyes began to trace the ground instinctively as I feared they might convey the same thing that his did. I worried that I might make things worse for him, yet knew in the very same moment that there was no way that I could. Johnny's niece walked over and stood above us, looking down."We need to start planning the funeral," she said. Johnny stared up at her with blank eyes, eyes of a man whose whole world had been lost."I'll take care of it, Laura," I said. "I want to." She looked at me harshly, her face holding too much anger for a moment like this."Fine," she pouted, looking from the old man to me and then back again.Then Johnny spoke for the first time in all of these thirteen hours. "I think she would like that very much," he whispered. Laura scoffed loudly and then walked away without another word.

I thought about the day when I first met Elsie and how her voice was so quiet that I believed the wind might have blown it away. I thought about the man beside me now, who on that same day had laughter so big it was infectious enough to heal a broken little girl. Now, the old man was the one with the quiet voice; he was the one whose spirit had been broken. I looked at him again and saw he was gripping his wedding ring. "I can't let go," he whispered, his dark eyes drenched in tears that had finally come. I pushed his fingers tighter around his hand."Then don't," I said. 

His chin was quivering as he looked at me. "This is where we met, this sidewalk," he said. I looked at him with knowing eyes. "You and I," I tried to smile but failed. "I remember the day. "No," he said, his lips now quivering too. "Me and Elsie."Confusion ran through me, but there was no time to ask. For the old man laid on his side, curled up into a ball, and began to make the most heart-wrenching sound that I had ever heard. His sobs woke the neighbors and they began to pour out of their warm, safe homes. 

I noticed the morning newspaperman was making his rounds and dropped the paper nearby. I glanced at it and saw the date was August 15th, 2010. Today marked exactly fifteen years since I had met Johnny and Elsie, fifteen years since they had started to save a little girl who was lost and didn't know it. "I should have saved her," I whispered, as the tears began to fall like thick rain. Then I lay down on that same sidewalk and joined the old man, hoping to fill my heart in a way that tears never could.

                                                 

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The day of the funeral brought an uncharacteristically harsh summer morning that was slightly windy, without a cloud in the sky. The cold was nipping and biting at my cheeks, but as I strolled past the expansive tree line that led up to Elsie's gravesite I hardly noticed it at all. The flowers and the casket created a sea of pink that seemed much too bright for what was happening in this moment, yet I knew it was just what she would have wanted. I remembered when I first saw her bright pink house and smiled just a little. She loved pink more than any woman I had ever met. Johnny was kneeling by the graveside, talking to her as if she were still here, whispering words that only a man and a woman whose years together had been longer than their years apart could ever understand. I knew that he was much too fragile to be kneeling down so far and a few times I watched in worry as he began to fall to the ground.Laura tried to help him regain his balance, but he was inconsolable, waving away all help. I knew that he would be.

The only thing that Johnny would allow himself to do was to grip the side of Elsie's coffin for balance. He was still trying to hold on to her in any way he could. The dirt from his hands had stained the shiny pink coffin and he tried to wipe it off in vain, using the wetness from his tears as an aide.Some people gasped loudly while others began to cry in silence. Everyone there looked on in helplessness, knowing that a grief this big had no cure. No one could heal him; there was nothing that any of us could do but to let our hearts break with his.I knew it was time. 

"C'mon, granddaddy," I whispered as I reached his side. I extended my body down and met his eyes. "It's time." He began to sob openly and convulsively, as he watched the casket being lowered, reaching out for arms that could no longer hold him. "I need her," he sobbed, his eyes now as red as blood. "I need my wife." I held his old, broken body and couldn't help but think that it wouldn't be long before I was the one who would be gripping the casket and crying out for Johnny.  "I know," I soothed, rubbing his bony back and gray hair in small, slow motions. "I need her too." The wind was blowing loudly in the trees, its bitter gust carrying the sobs of Elsie's widower far into the distance. The guests began to trickle away in small groups, walking towards their cars in silence. Suddenly, the harsh wind calmed and for just a moment, I could almost audibly hear their beautiful hearts breaking like stained glass on the ground.